Q: Why can’t I do the things I want to do? There is so much I am capable of but that I never actually do, why is that?
A: The trick is to realize you are always doing what you want to do. Always. Nobody is making you do anything. Once you get that you see that you are freeing and that life is really just a series of choices. Nothing happens to you, you chose.
Water is one of the most powerful forces on the planet. Interestingly, it is also one of the most fundamental human necessities. We need water. Health and hygiene depend on it. Food production is devastated without it. And while many are not conscious of this fact, we can be educated because for every person in America that basic necessity is met. Education cannot take priority in an environment where each day survival is the most pressing issue.
Throughout each day I have seemingly unlimited access to water. It is a major element in my routine and all I have to do to get it, turn on the faucet. I am reminded in my travels, accessible water is a luxury that most of the world does not enjoy. Third world nations remain in poverty because their children spend their day collecting water for their families instead of being educated.
I believe access to water is the grass-roots approach to helping our brothers and sisters around the world. And while water is the goal of which rain provides, I see rain as a metaphor for the people who will make this happen. Rain here and there is essential, creating ripples in the area they land, but when rain unites, floods happen. Change flows through the landscape of life as we know it and the world is left transformed. Just look at the Grand Canyon. With persistance and unity, these individual drops eroded insurmountable obstacles.
With the knowledge of such a basic inequity among man, we carry responsibility. Action is required. And in all fairness this is not a task for a little rain, our world needs a flood. [Flow] together with me and many others, our world is begging for rain.
So.
To be really honest, I haven’t known what to say lately. This will sound silly to many of the readers but try to stick with me. The clinic was great.. we managed to see and serve more than 600 + students and staff. Amazing! I am so proud to be apart of this team… each person bringing such a unique gift to the table.
Over the last few days, perhaps, igniting when Marble was really sick.. I really began to put up my guard. Walls were being created and I wanted to keep the kids at arms length to my heart. Thankfully, Marble had a successful trip to the hospital. I have to admit I think we all feared the worst for her while in transit to the hospital. Fear does crazy things.. I began wondering what I would do if one day I was holding this beautiful young child and the next day I could not. In our free day, I wanted to leave campus.. I didn’t want to get too close. I know it will hurt so much to say goodbye. To see their tears and know that I cannot offer comfort, embracing my own sense of loss as well. After talking to Zach about my feelings this morning, I was reminded that nothing risked is nothing gained. You can’t always protect your heart.
Well, we ended up staying here today and I have had the BEST day. Dancing, singing, and playing games with the girls and boys. Spending valuable time with them. There is no where else I would rather be… truly. Interestingly, while taking a quick browse through my emails, I had the following meditation/ devotion for the day.. it definitely spoke to my emotions but also to the trip overall (clinic and everything).
Question of the Day: How have I seen God use pain for good in my life?
Pain teaches a most counterintuitive thing—that we must go down before we even know what up is. In terms of the ego, most religions teach in some way that all must “die before they die.” Suffering of some sort seems to be the only thing strong enough to destabilize our arrogance and our ignorance. I would define suffering very simply as “whenever you are not in control.”
If religion cannot find a meaning for human suffering, humanity is in major trouble. All healthy religion shows you what to do with your pain. Great religion shows you what to do with the absurd, the tragic, the nonsensical, the unjust.
If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it.
If there isn’t some way to find some deeper meaning to our suffering, to find that God is somewhere in it, and can even use it for good, we will normally close up and close down. The natural movement of the ego is to protect itself so as not to be hurt again. The soul just wants meaning, and then it can live.
“Hello Americans! This morning I am feeling good.” -Marble
Last night, Marble stayed with our group, in “our” house. She ate, slept, and drank lots of water. Marble has a high fever and an appendisidus (sp ?). We could not send her to the hospital last night because it is two hours away and the hospital closes at 5 p.m. Making her comfortable was our only option. After eating two rice cakes with honey and bananas she smiled and said they were good. She eats the same thing every day, every meal.
After a good night sleep, Marble is up and smiling. We had a bottle of water together this morning and she is sitting with me as I write this to you. She is smiling because she can read that I am writing about her.
Soon, she will head to the hospital which is two hours away on pot hole roads, scattered with speed bumps as well. There is much that could go wrong but we know that she is in very capable hands. Please pray for safe travels and successful treatment. Pray without ceasing.
live.
I knew coming in that I would covet one of these youngsters and want to bring one home with me. When I saw all their smiling, beautiful faces.. I decided to let indecision set me free from that desire. How can I possibly just choose one? It comes down to connection.. bonding on a soul level. Uhhh.. I made that connection today and I just want to take her home.
Her name is Moureen, about 6 years old maybe younger, she came to the clinic this afternoon complaining of a sore mouth and tummy.. she was carrying a huge green leaf in hand and had eaten over half of it. As she sat with tears running down her face, I ran to get her some milk from “our” quarters. After drinking a glass of water and the small cup of milk, she was smiling and laughing. Do you think she was hungry?
In this moment, we bonded and she remained on my lap most of the afternoon. She would hold the other children’s chart for me as I wrote down each name and prescription, then prepared water along with their dosage. She was fascinated with my gloves and wanted to rub her hand against them.. I rubbed them on her face, on her knees, and over her hands. She just chuckled and finally requested her own glove. I put one on her hand, and boy was that a highlight. In the slow moments, she would grab my arms and wrap them around her waist. I wonder when that last happened. She just wanted some love and affection. Nothing more… well, maybe a little water but mainly love and affection.
As she sits on my lap, I contemplate all that I could offer her back in the states (after I get a job, of course).. and yet, I know she would be overwhelmed. She has so many friends here and while they might suffer at a standard of living that we feel is inappropriate.. they experience GREAT joy. They are not clouded by STUFF.. I am thankful to know her and I truly have contemplated coming back here. I just wish.. wish that I could provide a little utopia for these children, somewhere that provides for all their needs but doesn’t distract them from being fully present and fully joyful in each moment.
And while I see these things and understand, I am still considering the fact that I have two empty duffle bags to bring home. and she is definitely small enough to be a carry-on. I need to spend some more time with this.. thoughts?
Blessings..
The evening ended late and morning came early. With our alarm tuned to the sound of Africa we woke up to the sound of rain, toads, tree frogs, crickets, kamikazi Kookoo birds slamming into the glass, and roosters were the sounds of our wake-up call. Africa is LOUD without a snooze switch.
Today was our first day at our clinic. Wow, let me tell you this is the LAND OF THE BRAVE. These kids were well behaved and extremely patient as they waited for their turn to be seen for their varying ailments.. scabies, malaria, cuts, broken arms, appendisidious (sp?), etc., with their spoons tucked into their socks marched into the clinic.
With the clinic being fairly painless, no one felt at ease when the dentist go to the orphanage. With many kids needing tooth extractions, we listened as the children braved the experience the best they could. The children had teeth pulled with nothing but a local numbing anesthestic. Some handled it without a flinch while others screamed for their lives… I think I can speak for all of the team when I say, our hearts were broken today. Naturally, this is not the first time on this trip but it broke in a way that I was not prepared for… Again, humbled.
It is interesting to consider that the pain these kids were enduring today would benefit them tomorrow. I reflect on the pains that I had to endure in my life in order to get better. It would be impossible to explain to these kids that this pain would lead to something better.. looking back, I don’t think I would have understood had anyone tried to tell me about the good that would come from my own suffering.
Faith. Trust. It becomes unconditional when you believe you are loved.
Another day of brokenness, followed by awe.
For all of you who thought you knew, I have unfortunate news.. Graceland is NOT in Memphis, Tennessee. We are in Graceland! I know that because I do not deserve to be here and yet, I am.
I can tell you all about our journey but I fumble to find words to describe the Life I am witnessing all around me. Humbled, only scratches the surface of how I am feeling. As we flew over the Nile, I was once again reminded how small I am as God’s love erodes the toughest areas of my life. It persists over areas that are rough, smoothing the hard parts of my interior.
Arriving exhausted, I tried hard to stay in the moment. I was hot and tired and slightly irritated, especially after I learned that they lost all my clothing and personal supplies which I had packed in my carry on (I thought I had outsmarted the airlines and the possibility of losing my luggage–ha–they made me check this carry-on in D.C.). As I looked around and took a deep breathe, God whispered to me..”your needs will be provided for.” Turns out, they have been. In fact, all the times I thought I didn’t have enough clothes, needed more food, wanted something else.. I am getting a glimpse of what enough really is.. and I have always had far MORE than enough. I actually have so much I am unable to be free, with my possessions, thoughts, and pre-conceived notions owning me.
I watch this morning as the children sing out and dance as they worship. They lack inhibition and self-conscience behaviors. They sing and dance with all their heart and soul; it is powerful. Going against the grain of our teachings, I opt to watch them pray instead of bowing my head.. the words are rapid with no doubt of the things in which they have to be thankful for…oh, how often I struggle in my prayers even knowing where to start.
God is present here. Grace surrounding each of these kids, holding each of them close. We are each being embraced in the arms of Grace as well.
With a line behind me to blog, I will not read the words that I have written..please know this is sheer stream of consciousness. Rough. Raw. Real.
I will leave you with this… I have always felt entitled to a spoon, never thinking about its convenience or that I have access to more than one. At all times. I eat constantly through the day.. snacking out of boredom, entertainment, anxiety.. here, there is not a favorite food. Food is fuel. I am out of words.
Love to you all. Thank you for your prayers. I hope after reading this you will take a minute and re-evaluate all the small conveniences in your life. The things you take for granted are probably very similar to the things I take for granted. May we all find awareness and gratefulness in our daily lives.
While I continue to make preparations for this journey, I am trying to remain open to the ways God wants to use me. My human tendency is to anticipate and prepare my heart for what I expect and what I hope to accomplish, but I am sure there is no way to prepare for the ways God plans to break my heart.
Beyond all that I know, I trust that God will use each of us to reach out to these people, loving them and embracing them, while we walk beside them for a short time. In that same fashion, I hope God humbles each of us, allowing our lives to be touched in a way that opens our own eyes.
I can only speak for myself but I am constantly seeking to leave the noise and conditioned thinking of my life, escaping into the moment, having life revealed in each step. I pray that God will show each of us the Spirit of Joy, something that we can claim as our own and that we will carry with us always.
Abba, please bless our road together.
Each culture has their own traditions and respecting them is essential, but some need to be brought to light. To examine both the purpose and consequence of the specific practice.
Last night, I spent time talking with Hellen, a Maasai woman visiting from Kenya. Dressed traditionally in her Masaai clothing, we headed downtown Portland. Destination: Jakes Grill. On the ride, Hellen taught me about many practices in her culture. She has spent an immense amount of energy trying to “rescue” young girls from Female Genital Mutilation (FGM). For the Masaai, this is a rite of passage that takes place around the age of 14. The purpose: to avoid the shame of a teenage or unwed pregnancy. Meanwhile it robs women of deriving any pleasure from sexual encounters and is often botched due to the lack of medical experience and uncleanly tools. Women can be disfigured in the process and in some extremes, it can even lead to death.
How about that as a means to fight teenage pregnancies, America?
Hellen continued to tell me more about her life in Africa. Fascinated, she held a captive audience of one as she shared her stories. Disabilities are not seen as anything other than an embarrassment or nuisance to a family. So they either kill them or hide them. Hellen began taking these young people to a local mission hospital, established and run by Christians. Having little means, Hellen went to discuss the price of treatment. Unless one converted to Christianity, the price remained high. But upon conversion, treatment would be free. Now, I admit I am not a theologian but I think Jesus did things because of his beliefs and people believed because they saw his love. It was never intended to be a quid pro quo establishment.
They should do the treatment at no cost because they are following the way Jesus lived his life. And they love, because they were first loved by Him. Missionary work should not be based on a transaction.
Gandhi said, “I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”
Close your eyes, and imagine…
A person is hunched over, head down, broken in every way, poor, with hands held out in hopes that grace might brush their palm. You can hear them whisper from the depths of their heart, “Please help me, I cannot do this alone.. I don’t even know where to start on this journey of recovery?”
What do you see?
Many will picture a homeless person, alcoholic, someone who is lost, broken, unemployed and more than likely, somewhat unwilling to change. Lucky for them, they know they are broken.. Do the rest of us know we are all sharing the same story? Because the picture I just painted was of a follower of Christ. On their knees, head bowed, hands open begging for the body of Christ. Whispering a prayer of surrender.. “I can’t do this on my own.” And in many ways, we too are homeless, anxiously wandering for a place to rest our weary souls, poor in spirit, addicts (cell phones, computers, food, tv, gossip, wherever you may get your fix), lost, broken, and in many cases oblivious to the error of our ways.
What if God scoffed at us the same as some of us scoff at the poor beggar on the street? “Well, I have worked hard to be where I am.. it’s not fair that you have done nothing.. Maybe if you just change your ways, stop being addicted, find some work.. then you will EARN this on your own.”
I am not denying that it is frustrating to be working while someone is waiting for a handout.. but aren’t we all waiting for a handout. We simply, cannot obtain salvation on our own. And we are all in the same boat on that. Jesus is calling us die to our old thoughts and follow Him, uncertain where we might be led but confident He is whispering to us, “Don’t worry, I am with you.”
On the last day, Jesus will say to those on His right hand, “Come, enter the Kingdom. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was sick and you visited me.” Then Jesus will turn to those on His left hand and say, “Depart from me because I was hungry and you did not feed me, I was thirsty and you did not give me to drink, I was sick and you did not visit me.” These will ask Him, “When did we see You hungry, or thirsty or sick and did not come to Your help?” And Jesus will answer them, “Whatever you neglected to do unto one of these least of these, you neglected to do unto Me!”
Maybe we will think twice before we walk by the next person sitting on the street, or sick soul in need of a visitor.. you never know when you could be passing up a chance to encounter God.
Ra[i]n 